Tag Archives: Myth of the Yellow Kitchen

The Spaces of My Soul

No matter how big the house, there’s one room where it seems everyone ends up. The kitchen. Big or small, it’s where people naturally gather. Maybe it’s because it’s the source of the food. Maybe it’s because we have so much in common there. Regardless, a full kitchen is a happy place. And even when I’m on my own, I find it’s where I want to be.

My kitchen is my home

The best light to read with

A table to eat and write on

Food near me

The telephone a step or two away.

I hardly cook

Even in my kitchen.

Easy access to the tidbits, snacks

and wholly fattening things.

The kitchen is my home

Calm, peaceful, solid.

Reading the morning newspapers

Writing a story

Answering the telephone.

In the kitchen

I live my life

With almost everything I need.

The New York Times, The Globe

And the book I may be reading

Alone, my life, my heart,

Live on and on

In this small space.

The kitchen.

Looking for a Thought Provoking Book for Your Book Club?

The Myth of the Yellow Kitchen explores the unexpected challenges life throws at us and how to we respond to them.
I wrote this book to show that you can not only survive but thrive through adversity. It’s an intimate look at the complicated sometimes troubled relationships we have to navigate and an insight into the victories we can create.
 This book can be used as a jumping off point for book club discussions on what life sends our way and how we respond. It’s a slice of real life intended to be both thought-provoking and inspirational.

Continue reading Looking for a Thought Provoking Book for Your Book Club?

Come Take a Trip with Me

Dear Marian and Beth,rhoada costa rica

I’ve taken another trip. If I were to add this to my book, The Myth of the Yellow Kitchen, it would fit in either the chapter called “Challenge and Choice,” or “Resolution.”  But it is already in print so think of this as another chapter.

With some friends I planned a trip in early January to Costa Rica and the Panama Canal, a recreational trip, a trip to get away from the bitter, January Boston weather.  Boston was 2 degrees during the day and below zero at night.  What a perfect time to get away. I haven’t been away for a long time and really forgot what it was like to see new places, to taste new foods, to experience new cultures and the people.  We live on a large planet and there are so many cultures and differences.  On some level everyone is the same, they are born, grow up, marry, have children, work, and age.  But different people do it in different ways.  And that is what is so intriguing to me.

The ship, The Variety Voyager, is small by general cruise standards, with only seventy passengers staying more or less two to a cabin.  A Greek vessel, it has almost everything you could want on a vacation, appetizing food; spotless, comfortable and beautifully appointed cabin; a gym; cheerful and helpful staff; and great trips on land.

The trip begins in Costa Rica, with one night at the magnificent Radisson Hotel and then from  the ship we sample the city of San Jose, the wonderful, pristine beaches, nature trails, animals, birds, fish, the special food of Costa Rica.  On one unspoiled beach we snorkel, in the calm, clear water.  The staff provides barbecues. How they do it is a mystery to me.  How do they carry all that food and everything else that goes with a meal?

Everywhere we meet gentle and kind people.  As always when I travel, I am eager to learn what is different and what is the same.  Here in Costa Rica, there is no army, but people live in houses guarded by heavy chain link fences.

One day we are lost and a family asks a few of us in. They give us tea and tell us how to get to where we are going.  I am charmed by their hospitality.  Would that happen in America?  They are not afraid.  But the chain link fence is strongly locked.  These contradictions that I perceive and do not understand intrigue me.

costa ricaThe nights are wondrous, the ship moves gently through the Pacific.  Only two nights does the ship rock with the current and the waves.  There is music at night, by a wonderful staff member from Serbia, who can play classical music, pop, jazz and a million songs that we sing together.  Where did he learn this?  He did not begin studying music until he was seventeen.  The ingenuity of people amazes me.  We, the Americans, are not wealthy but rich enough to be on this ship and have our children study music at an early age.  I marvel at the staff, their lives are difficult, but they smile, are gracious and play the most wonderful music with joy and passion.

Finally we reach what we all came for—The Panama Canal.  It cost $17,000 for the ship to pass through it at night and we crowd the front deck as we watch the ship move through the four locks, pulled by small trucks, called mules.  Mules are what pulled the ships when the Canal was built in 1914.  How did they do it then without the modern technology?  The trip through the Canal takes eight hours and the hardy few of us stay to see us go through the last lock at 1:30 a.m.  I studied the Panama Canal a lot in school but I didn’t imagine largesse, the man-made lakes that feed it, the work crews, and the wondrous locks.  Who were these people that envisioned this feat in 1914?  So much to know and to learn.

One night, the Captain Andreas Sifnotis tells us about his life, he is Greek and met his wife when they were both young and working on a ship.  The sea is his life.  He explains  nautical terms, what he is responsible for, what makes a ship go.  We listen carefully, we learn about the life at sea, how the ship works, the many layers of life and pleasure and work.  The staff comes from many places, Greece, Serbia, Costa Rica, the Island of Mauritius, the Philippines, Indonesia and Egypt.  Some come for the love of the sea, others for work, to work hard and send money home.  A few have not been home for years but send money home.  Four young girls from Indonesia arrived a month ago.  They are struggling to learn English and yet are always kind and helpful.

The last day before the trip ends, we go by man-made wooden canoes to visit a tribe in the rain forest.  The bus takes two hours, the canoe ride through the rain forest another hour.  We arrive and are welcomed by twenty-eight families  living in the rain forest wearing loin clothes, dyes and tattoos.  The women do not cover their breasts.  They live on dirt and I wonder how come there is no grass here in the middle of the rain forest?  We eat fish they have caught and some herb they have grown.  Their arts are all around us, for sale, ranging in price from $10.00 to over $500.00.  Another contradiction.  This primitive group of people knows about money and American dollars. I’d been on a canoe so I didn’t have much money on me, but I did buy two $5 bracelets.

This is Epilogue 2 for my book.  In your imagination, add it to the Myth of the Yellow Kitchen as another chapter about life, work, pleasure and complexity.  Learning goes on forever—in seven days I learned about hardship, kindness, new cultures, the technology and magnitude of the Canal.  I could go on and on, but take the trip yourself, and, don’t forget, read my book.

The Holidays: the Best of Times or the Worst?

Dear Marian and Beth

Marian
Marian

Here we are in the Holiday Season. We just finished Chanukah and then comes Christmas and New Years. I sometimes find this time of the year difficult. It can be the best of times but also the worst. Why? I will try to explain. It’s because the pressure of what we think the holidays should be and how they actually turn out.

daughter, beth
Beth with son Jake and husband John

Chanukah

When I was a child, my grandfather would give us ten cents for Chanukah, that is all I remember. As an adult with my own children, life had definitely changed. Advertising had become an overwhelming part of everyday existence and the challenge for Jewish parents was to help their children cherish Chanukah and ignore Christmas. Did we succeed? I don’t think so.

All my children intermarried and again I thought my responsibility was to help my grandchildren feel close to Chanukah and Jewish life. So every year I brought a menorah for each family, candles for the eight days of celebration, and Chanukah gelt (chocolate money coins). Did it work? I have no idea because Christmas was an important holiday in each home.

Christmas

I remember the first time I went to my daughter’s house and saw the huge Christmas tree, decorated beautifully with presents all around it. My heart beat so fast, I had to sit down. I never said a word and for all the years following I saw the Christmas tree in each of my three children’s homes. After time, my heart beat normally, and I did not have to catch my breath. I also gave and received beautiful presents, it was fun and I was with family.

But I never looked directly at those Christmas trees.

New Years Eve

New Years Eve can be fun or a disaster. As a single person, I always wondered what would I be doing and with whom. It was no problem when I was involved with one of the men in my life. But alone, it could be heart wrenching.

Once I went out to dinner with a friend, she liked to eat early and so I was home by 9. Is this the way to spend New Years? She was furious when I would not do that in subsequent years.

Another time, I was home alone, saw a good movie on television, had a glass or two of wine, and went to bed early. But it didn’t work. I felt alone, very alone.

This year I am going out with friends, close friends, for a late dinner at a quiet hotel with soft music in the background. It should be fine, the “best” is something different at this stage of life.  We are all strong, healthy, and engaged in life and new achievements.

Happy Chanukah everyone, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.  Another year is coming.  What will it bring?

Happy New Year!

 

City of Resilience

Dear Marian and Beth

Did you hear that Juarez, Mexico was recently named one of the Rockefeller Foundation’s 100 Resilient Cities? It’s because the city has managed to overcome difficult years of violence and economic recession.

I find this incredibly ironic since that’s the birth of my life of resilience in a way. It’s where I actually signed my divorce papers.

Can you believe that? Back then you actually had to travel to another country to get a divorce. Now, it seems so much easier, although of course it never is.

But for me, after all the arguing and all the waiting and all the time we had to live together knowing the marriage was over, I had to go across the border to make it final. Of course it wasn’t easy traveling then when you children were still so young, but I had to make it work.

I flew to a town in Arizona to and then drove to Juarez. It was my first trip out of the country. I never thought it would be for something like that. It all seemed so complicated.  My lawyer wanted me to stay overnight because the thought it would make it all more legal.

I was so nervous that night waiting in this  place where I couldn’t even speak the language. But I suppose I was a little bit excited too. Mostly just eager to be able to move on.

That city has gone through so much since then.  So much bad news. And yet, there’s a determination to fight the bad.

We always need to do that too. To refuse to give in to the troubles. To refuse to let them defeat us.

I’m glad to see Juarez is still hanging on. I hope you both will always figure out how to be resilient too!

Love,

Mom

My Book, The Myth of the Yellow Kitchen, is here!

Myth of the Yellow KitchenMy book is finally here!  Writing the book took a long time.  I needed the time to write my story, time to face the issues and emotions of those early years with an honesty and clarity that only distance can bring.  I’ve learned many things through writing. One of them has been to rethink my views of gender, relationships, and identity.

“Give your husband your pay check,” friends advised me when I first started teaching.  At that time, my husband, Charly, held a psychology internship in various New York State institutions and did not make much money.  But did he really need my paycheck to safeguard his masculinity?  And what about my feelings of confidence as a professional and decision-maker?  In the fifties and sixties I never disputed the idea of fixed gender roles.

The divorce, such a tragedy for me at that time, became the impetus for growth, independence and the development of my abilities.  I did grow, I did change.  I moved from the traditional view of a woman’s role in the forties and fifties to an independent, professional woman in the seventies, eighties and nineties.

I have been fortunate to have had several long relationships with men after the divorce.  With each relationship, I was reminded how men were often socialized to a view of masculinity that was almost impossible to attain.  The myths about male sexuality were particularly difficult for them.  For me, on the other hand, the feminist movement portrayed models and images that helped me formulate new conceptions of both male and female roles.

This all became clearer to me as I began to write.

I started writing more than thirty years ago when I sold my house and went from room to room remembering what happened there, who we were, and how we developed.  Still, it took years before I could embrace writing, years of working hard to keep it all afloat and taking care of the children.  Then, there was little time and energy to write.  Now, writing fuels my passion and creativity.  Often I am at the computer at five in the morning.  The gift of returning to the past leads to greater understanding of the present, the one life I have, and my place in a larger scenario.

As I look back over my life, even now many years later, I am reminded again and again of that night long ago when Beth, my three year old daughter, was sick, really sick in the middle of the night and I had to rethink who I was and what I needed to do.  Then I found my strength in helping Beth.  From where does the strength come now to face the ambiguities ahead?

Sometimes the blessings can get lost in the murkiness of longevity, the shadows of unexpected ailments, the vagueness of where am I going, if anywhere.  But each day I try and reconnect with the strength that emerged after the divorce, the force to get a doctorate when I had no money and three young children, and the power to enjoy the magic and mystery of life.

I hope that you will read my book and find comfort in the possibility that crisis often leads to growth, new pathways and creative ways of thinking.

The book can be purchased at Amazon, print or for Kindle; Barnes and Noble, print or for Nook.

A Nightmare Can be a Beginning

Dear Marian and Beth,

Life has its ups and downs.  We all go through periods of joy and satisfaction and then there are the downs, low points, sometimes even a crisis. That is what happened to me when I was thirty-seven.  It was the third night I was alone after the divorce.  Marian, you were nine and Beth, you were three.  Stephen was  eight.  Beth, you got really sick, 104 fever and at two o’clock in the morning full of worry I called the doctor. He said put you in a warm tub until your temperature goes down.  I did and your temperature did go down, but the worry didn’t leave right away.  Finally, when you were sleeping, I lay in bed and went over and over what was going on in my life.

That night alone with the three of you, I realized a phase of my life was over.  I had to take responsibility.  I had to take care of the divorce, protect myself and you, pay the bills, fix what was wrong in our dilapidated but wonderful l920’s house, make decisions, run a household, be two parents.  There was no one to help.  I had to earn a living, raise three children, take care of the squirrels in the roof, maintain the lawn, and call the plumber.  I started to accept it all and determined that what I didn’t know, I would learn.  And that way, the  nightmare turned into a force that helped me grow, change, and find adventure in life.

It is always good to remember that nightmares can become a rebirth.

Love,

Mom